(no subject)

At first I thought swimwear was designed to make people feel fat, but now I think it's to rob them of any sense of objective reality altogether.

Earlier this summer I bought a swimsuit that makes me look awesome. It's three times my normal size. No, not three sizes up, it's literally my size multiplied thrice over. And the bust is huge--as a DD "the bust is too big" is the opposite of the problem I usually have finding clothes (standard is usually a B-cup). This bathing suit was made for someone with GGs or higher.

Whatever, it's not the size on the tag that matters, it's the fit, and that suit fit like a dream. Though next time I might need to use some pasties or something because wow the chafing.

Today I go looking for paddling gloves and a rash guard.

All out of women's, so I get a men's small.

"I guess I picked up one from the junior section."

Go back out and find the last women's rashie, an extra-large. It reminds me of my favorite Hot Chillys thermal and looks sort of similarly sized, so sure! I'll try it on.

...Probably about a size too small. Wearable, but straining in places it shouldn't and spectacularly unflattering. Now, this is an extra large. The biggest they make. I'm 4'11 with an average breadth to my shoulders. Even if my normal-weight body is too fat for the health afficionados, my short height means that I'm still smaller than, say, the 5'8 athlete they're marketing to. Who the hell are they making these for? A 4'5 snake-woman with no arms?

"Fine, they run too small. Good thing the only shorts I found come in large and extra large from the same company!"

No. The shorts are much too large.

I have an 11 inch difference between my waist and my hips. I'm used to the bottom half of an outfit being a size or more larger than the top. So why the hell was the extra large top too small through the waist, shoulders and everything else, but the bottom too big!? Who is this person with this tiny waist and gargantuan ass!?

Why does none of this make sense, and most importantly, why is it all so wildly divorced from the already tenuous realm of all other clothes? The sizes in swimwear bear no passing resemblance to other arenas, so what knowledge I have is thrown out the window. And even within the realm of swimwear there's no rhyme or reason. It's like the swimwear companies took Alice in Wonderland as a playbook.

I walked out of there with a men's rashie, which was cut far more flatteringly for my hourglass figure than the women's. Go figure.